The Call

In the middle of my team meeting at work today the phone rang.  I almost let it go to voicemail before mentally kicking myself in the head.

It was Kaiser.

I also saw a the pop-up on my computer indicating there was a new email from Kaiser.

The doctor did say he'd call one way or the other as soon as the results were in.

All of this went through my head as I'm watching the phone ring. Yes, I know, watching?  Ringing is listening, not watching. Maybe I should more properly say I was watching the screen as the phone rang.

I dropped the meeting and picked up.

Cancer.

Panic attack.

The urge to hide in the back of my closet was strong.

Cancer.

For his part, he tried to be reassuring. He told me I'll get a phone call in the next day or two scheduling an appointment with a surgeon. I may or may not need chemo.

I posted my PSA in our women's ERG at work. The outpouring of support was, in, a word, overwhelming. Women with family who have had breast cancer. Women who have had breast cancer. Several reached out to me to talk to me about their journeys.

So. Many. Tears.

It feels very surreal. I'm not sick. Except I'm very sick. This is what having cancer feels like?

Here's hoping it's a very quick surgery and I don't need chemo. With one of the lumps impacting a lymph node, and knowing that lymph nodes can carry cancer to other parts of my body, I have a sneaking suspicion there's chemo in my future.

I have an appointment with my GP on Thursday. Instead of talking about weight loss, we'll be talking about cancer.

I'm scared.